Overcoming Adversity: My Battle with Mental Health Challenges.
My Mental Health Story - Paige Carriere
TRIGGER WARNINGS: Panic Attacks, Anxiety. Depression, Alcoholism, Childhood Trauma, Grief and Loss, Physical and Emotional Abuse, Sexual Assault (SA), Self-Harm (SH), Suicidal Thoughts
When it all Started
I had my first panic attack when I was 5. I was crying and hyperventilating and I don’t remember why but no one knew what to do. No one took me to a doctor, no one tried anything. I refused to sleep at night because I was scared of the dark and scared of going to sleep. I remember my father getting so angry at me he punched a hole in my door because I refused to go to sleep. That was when my anxiety first started. But it was not until I was 18 that I got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, as well as depression. Not to mention my dad is an alcoholic and I had to grow up with a father who was physically present in my life but not emotionally, which is another reason I think I grew to have Mental Illness.
Growing up I felt things more deeply than anyone else in my grade. I had experienced grief starting at the age of 8. It was hard to come to terms with my grief and for the longest time it felt like I was carrying rocks. It never felt to go away. When I was 17 my doctor told my mom to send me to a counselor to talk about my feelings after my grandma and my uncle died a month apart from each other. And I did talk about my feelings but it didn’t help. I felt like I was being talked to like a child. That all the bad thoughts and feelings will go away simply if i imagine them to go away. If i pretend my problems are like boulders and rocks and to bring them down in size to pebbles and grains of sand. To imagine that life needs to be balanced like a teeter totter, full of good and bad.
Lack of Support (Trigger Warnings SA, SH, Suicidal thoughts)
My mental health got even worse when I moved away from home to college. My parents separated, I did not have great roommates, college was a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be and I got sexually assaulted during my second semester away from home, right after christmas break ended. That semester I fell into a deep depression and I ended up failing two of my courses. I felt so empty and alone and I did not know who to go to. I tried to go to on campus counseling through my college, however she said that because I did not report it, it can’t be used as evidence to why I failed two courses. This same counselor also has told me before that my mental illnesses were all in my head and I can get over it. At this point I had hit rock bottom. I started to gain weight, I lost all motivation and I lost all my friends. I wanted to just disappear. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted the unbearable weight to be lifted. After the sexual assault happened I started to self harm as a self-sooth tool. It was not a memorable time in my life. All I remember doing was crying and laying in bed.
Resilience and Hope
I want to say it has gotten better since that dark cloud period in time. I still have my rainy storm cloud days but I also have sunny days. I have a loving boyfriend who helps me with my mental health. I have supportive co-workers and managers. I have a resilient mother who loves me so much. I am about to graduate from college with a diploma of Social Service Worker (SSW). I have amazing achievements throughout my college experience. I was able to talk on two student panels to managers and all those important people about my experience as a learner at Centennial College. I got to be published on the college’s website about my success as a student and why you should apply to the SSW program at Centennial. I got to talk to hundreds of students at orientation on stage talking on-campus resources and how to transition smoothly into college. I did not GET OVER my mental illness but I was able to mitigate my anxiety to speak on stage. I was able to tell friends as well as my mom about being sexually assaulted and I was even able to talk about it in front of managers at the college.
Self care Techniques I use
I make sure to get at least 8 hours of sleep. I take naps when I get the chance. I listen to relaxing music (like lo-fi and sleep sounds). I take care of my skin by having a skin care routine. I watch movies in bed. I eat junk food. I buy sweet treats for myself. I buy myself flowers. I shower or take a bath if I need to. I get regular massages to relieve my stress and the physical synonyms of depression I get. Self-care isn't always eating healthy or exercising. It is relaxing. It is doing nothing all weekend. It is learning to say no. It’s making boundaries. It’s listening to your body’s needs. I also use a lot of stress relieving toys like stress balls (or in my case it's shaped like a star), Popit Fidget Toy and Tangle . It helps me relax and stop feeling so anxious when I start to worry or feel overwhelmed.
What Would you Want in a Room for Your Mental Health?
I would want the room to have soft lighting as I get frequent headaches. Something like fairy lights or a moon lamp light would be nice. I also saw that green light bulbs help with migraines as well. I would want a big cozy bed filled with squishmallows. I would want there to be heating pads and ice caps for headaches. I would want there to be soft relaxing music playing in the background. I would want there to be lots of soft blankets and lots of pillows. I would like there to be a table set up with colouring sheets as well as fidget toys. I’d want motivational stickers on the table as well. I would want there to be mental health awareness and supportive posters on the walls. I would want there to be a diffuser or candles burning for soothing scents. I’d want it to smell like lavender or cinnamon in the room. I’d want there to be a TV so I can watch my comfort movies like Mamma Mia or old Disney movies.
Where I am today
Like I said earlier, I am soon to be graduating this year (2024). I have 4 more weeks left of school. It does get better over time and it's okay to have bad days. You are not your bad thoughts and your bad days don’t define you. I now have an instagram I use to post awareness about mental health as I continue my professional journey working in social services. I have won awards while being at college, showing the outstanding leadership I have. I am a strong advocate for myself and others.
