“Rediscovering Myself”
Taranjot Kaur Dhillon
TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mental Health Challenges | Body Image Issues | Academic Pressure | Rejection and Failure | Cultural Expectations | Self-Discovery and Identity
I never really thought about writing about my journey through post-secondary education and its impact on my mental health, but the opportunity arose, and I decided to share. I should preface this by saying that my story might not be relatable to you, and that’s okay—every person’s journey is unique. However, I do hope you can take this away: You are enough. Just because your education, career, or life decisions do not align with those of others around you, does not mean that they are wrong choices. Make decisions based on what you enjoy and what will make you happy because, ultimately, it is your life.
Taking on graduate studies is never an easy task. There is this unspoken expectation that you have to balance schoolwork, research, teaching, self-care, hobbies, family, and friends, but you never really learn how to do this initially. Some might argue that you cannot juggle all these things at the same time, and I would agree; you simply prioritize and choose what is most important to you. From my undergraduate journey to my Master’s, and now into my doctoral studies, I have learned and grown into a person I am extremely proud of. That’s not to say I wasn’t proud of the person I was before, but I felt that as I continued my education, I was losing myself. I was in my head a lot, put on a fake smile, and honestly pretended I knew what I was doing with my life.
You become so engulfed in your studies that you lose track of who you are as a person. A little background: My undergraduate degree is in Kinesiology, which is (the textbook answer) the study of movement, performance, and function. Abstract and a bit boring, right? I prefer to describe kinesiology as the study of the body and mind, physical and mental health—without one, the other cannot exist. My Master of Science focused on body image and menopause in South Asian women living in Canada. Now, my doctoral degree (I’m entering my fourth year) focuses on community-based positive body image interventions for young adult South Asian women in Canada. It goes without saying, this was certainly not the path I had initially envisioned.
My parents didn’t necessarily pressure me to choose the “typical” careers (doctor, lawyer, engineer, accountant) that South Asian parents often love, but there was pressure to choose an educational path that would lead to a well-paying job. Major life choices, and I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t enjoying my undergrad experience. I loved the courses, but I was melting under the pressure to decide what I wanted to do after my undergrad—Medicine? Physiotherapy? Athletic therapy? So many great careers, but none of these options felt right. I reached a point where I was ready to pack things up, leave my undergraduate degree, and pursue something else. So, I decided to write—journaling every thought I had, looking for something that got me excited.
And then I noticed a need in our community—body image. Specifically, changing the narrative around body image in our South Asian communities, moving away from colorism, weight and body shape stigma, having honest conversations about eating and exercise behaviors, and moving towards positive body image and healthy practices. I’ll be honest, I have struggled with my body image, I have struggled with my weight, and I have dealt with comments about my body. These can absolutely cause harm; they can affect the way someone eats, dresses, and socializes—the research and personal experience show that. Body image research was and has been my calling—I love this research, and I love our South Asian communities. However, academia and research are not easy.
As I moved into my master’s and now doctoral studies, I had to learn to accept rejection. Obtaining funding in grad school is one of the most difficult tasks to do. It takes a toll. Rejection doesn’t mean failure, but it certainly felt that way. For those familiar with funding and scholarship applications, they take time to write, and it is gut-wrenching to receive that rejection email. These rejections neither defined my research nor did they define me. It is hard to put those emails out of your head; it makes you feel like your research, your work, doesn’t matter or isn’t good enough. But that is far from the truth—there just isn’t enough funding, and only a small portion of individuals receive it. I have been fortunate to receive scholarships and funding after many rejections, and I’m absolutely grateful for it. However, this took time and lots of effort in continuing to write those applications because at times, it felt like it wasn’t worth it, and I’ve got the tears to prove it.
Grad school is a series of ups and downs, and if you don’t have support or ways to get back up after your downs, it is difficult to stay motivated and continue your research. Academia can be lonely at times; friends and family may not understand the nuances of the work you do, and it can become isolating. Your research can often consume your life and time. However, learning not to let it dictate my life was difficult, and it was a process of unlearning.
Now, onto the title, ‘Rediscovering Myself.’ At the start of 2023, I knew I had to redefine how I did research and how it affected me. I couldn’t let it be in my thoughts all the time. I needed to find better ways to do my research without letting it consume me. So, I started to do a few things…
Celebrating each milestone with cake. For those who know me, they will laugh. I love cake, and I could eat it at any time of day. Academia, research, and life will throw everything at you, and it always seems like the bad and negative things stand out more. So, I decided, whenever something good happened, I would celebrate with cake.
Making real time for family, friends, and loved ones. Believe it or not, I schedule this time in. I call my parents, sisters, family, and friends, and we plan events and just hangouts because life gets crazy busy, and all of a sudden, you haven’t seen your people for months. I also recently got married (just celebrated our one year—yay!). Making time for my partner is important. He’s one of my biggest supporters, and for that, he deserves my time. Your support circle may look different from mine, and that’s okay. You ultimately decide who deserves to be in your life, so create your support system, put up boundaries where they are needed, and embrace their love.
Building connections and finding YOUR community. This one is important. Not everyone will be a part of your community; finding good and meaningful connections is key. Finding people that align with your values, make you laugh, and uplift you is important. South Asian community members, especially the women, are the best, and I have been fortunate enough to gain many friendships through South Asian community organizations and events. I know it can be hard; it was for me initially, but go out to a community event and talk to at least one person because you never know where things may lead—a new job, a new friendship—you never know until you try.
You will have your ups and downs, but you have to remember to pick yourself up, and when you cannot, find ways and people who will help you do that. As I said at the beginning of this piece, you never really know how to balance everything in your life; you just learn, honestly, by trial and error. There is no right or wrong way to do it. You just have to decide at some point who you want to be, and that may change as life continues. You may end up rediscovering yourself many times. I truly do not know where I will end up in a few years, but I do know who I am right now.
I am actively looking to give my community a voice in research. I am a researcher who focuses on promoting positive body image in South Asian communities. I am going to change how body image is perceived and practiced in our communities.
I am Panjabi-Sikh.
I am a daughter, sister, wife, granddaughter, niece, aunt, and friend.
I am a strong South Asian woman.
I am Taranjot Kaur Dhillon.
